Tuesday, March 30, 2010

steps out of the closet!

A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And thisis something worth celebrating.

For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that’s the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It’s my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don’t ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I’m at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I’m feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.

Many people told me: “Ricky it’s not important”, “it’s not worth it”, “all the years you’ve worked and everything you’ve built will collapse”, “many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature”. Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.

If someone asked me today, “Ricky, what are you afraid of?” I would answer “the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war…child slavery, terrorism…the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith.” But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.

These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed.

What will happen from now on? It doesn’t matter. I can only focus on what’s happening to me in this moment. The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.

I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

every cloud has a silver lining


last night i could not get to sleep; i'm just flipping around in my bed, can't get to sleep. so here's what i do: i wake up at three in the morning, i go over to krispy kreme donuts. i buy two lovely honey-glazed donuts. i stick them to my eyes, and i climb up into a pine tree and pretend i'm an owl…hahaha.

lil bit tired, semalam petang saya singgah kat tapak convocation buat kali kedua. sesak dengan manusia yang sibuk membelek barang pakai serta membelek orang lalu lalang. terasa nak babab jerk diaorg ni…chomey-chomey belaka. take long walks, bau makanan dari stall sekitar berasak menusuk rongga menghimpit sel otak mintak dijamah. fat!!! niat ati hanya nak membeli cadar baru menggantikan last stock ikea. saya capai dua dan dua lagi untuk kawan.
this picture were taken from yester-year! : )

cuaca sekarang dah tak bermusim, kejap panas kejap mendung nak hujan. mood kita pun asyik changin’ jerk…pendek kata, musim meng-awan! nasib ‘air’ tak kontang, hikhikhik. sebab tu la perlu sesangat cadar baru, melakar peta dunia baru, chantek, empuk dan gebu; sedangkan hanya nak guna tuk berbogel diatasnya? discover a place of silence where all the noise of the day is gone and you can enjoy moments of silence.

life is a journey from birth to death.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

c h e n t a

kenapa aku benci perasaan ini? sebabnya tiap kali aku jatuh chenta…dan chenta tinggalkan aku. aku dan chenta selalu berjanji akan setia mekar disetiap nafasku, kudrat.

tuhan,
patutlah semalaman jiwa kacau. fikiran tak lekang tentang 'dia'... rupanya engkau ingin kirimkan 'dia' ke mahfuz. kirimkan chenta ati aku pada 'dia' sebab chenta ini tak pernah kurang terlepas pandang :'{ aku sedih sebagai hamba, kesedihan buat kelian kalinya...entah ke berapa?

semua kejadian itu makhluk tuhan; kenapa kita tak bersifat terbuka untuk menerima segalanya? each one of us is born unique. there are no two person are exactly a like. siapa kamu nak pertikaikan saya? dan kamu juga dijadikan dari sehina kejadian (dari air mani) dan keluar dari tempat yang juga hina (kemaluan). apa bezanya kita?

puzzles me?!?

"then dogs. you can keep them as watchdogs but not as pets, and you can touch them, but only when they are dry. and why is that? dogs are dirty. what about cats? cats lick their behinds, don’t they. and if alcohol is sinful, what about alcohol in medication and perfume? what’s the difference?"
[by d i n a z a m a n]
bermusim chenta yang lalu, yang aku rindu cuma kamu.

* catatan terbaik dalam gelodak rasa…sorry readers
(pic tu gambar pertama kali aku jumpa dia)
aku harap 'popoo' damai di sana! i miss ur 'singing'.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

...jiwa kacau

my time, some people got stoned on pot and magic mushrooms. the more adventurous mixed aspirin with coke.

coke?

love my jack or chivas…even though bit vodka! huuuurm…enjoyed by the young, professional and affluent.

from time to time, i meet my clicks for lepak-ing at clubbin’ or so-sial places. after a few years cuci kaki, gara-gara nak celebrate our neighbour birthday party… de hell was full (so) i am b a c k ! when we look back, we laugh about old times; and the thought of even passing a club makes us want to faint nowadays. talian hayat bertemu kawan yang dah lama tak jumpa make me felted soooo excited. manalah tau diaorg free and nak join sama? the hantu-s among us are now either covered up, church-goers or very active in community service (mensenyawakan ovum & sperma), mengawan and samak dosa or mandi tolak bala too.

you feeling old now, sweets?

when we were baligh + mumaiz + wet dreams = remaja dewasa, we were more interested in making friends (normal-lah-kan hormone lelaki), travelling, than sex and noisy doing stupid things. oh yeah...professor of vocabulary in de making.

till now, kekawan masih bertanyakan “takde jumpa pompuan yang sesuai ke?” sinis, till la ni masih single mingle?!? so…kita nak pinjam la magic word ni,

“mostly gals was taken…kwang, kwang, kwang”

ni pics my lovely popoo...nakal sangat sekarang (catch my last entries on 2009, january). bulan lepas masa kita nak tinggalkan dia, dia merajuk and skodeng kita dari bawah keta. comey kan? nak kena 'babab' ni, rindu plak pada popoo tetiba!


note: [donkey] sukakan homoseksual…gajah sukakan tuhan!!! it's jokes [hahaha] bersifat kebinatangan sesangat :D

Sunday, March 21, 2010

v!rgin mary p i c n i c

tagline FUCK_BOOK ari ni:
aku ni dlm citer OSHIN ke?!? sibuk buat sarap & kemas rumah hikhikhik :_P

sepantas tu jugak tiga orang kata ‘like this’. haaaaaiiiih, pantang lepa jerk kalo kita update tagline, memasing dah stand-by mode nak menghanjing-hanjing…grrrrrr.

aida: kerjaya : suri rumah tangga...
kita: yolah tuh!!! **sambil sental baju tepi jamban, but feelin' ayu di tepi sungai** HAHAHA
prince: kimono mana? pakai! pas ni cuci n mop lantai, pastu toilet plak, jirus bunga, pasar dah p belom? jangan lupa masak untuk lunch. ptg nyer jadual nanti I bagi. kimono tu ingat... pakai! hahaha
fariq: wahahhaha,,,pastu cari kayu api,,,pastu jgn beli ikan,,,kopg mancing,,igt~~hahahah
kita: baaaaaaaek bu'k...kok dipaksa pakai kimono...tiub ajer yea udahhh bu'k, panas banget deh!!!
dieba: erm melawan pulak. disuruh pakai komono yer pakai ajer. nak pakai tiub segala nak tackle laki org lah tu kat umah. dasar maid xsedar diri ni!!!
prince: Xleh, kimono wajib. shocking pink ok ker? hehe
kita: waduh ibu fariq, aku capek skali...bisa minum kacip fatimah enggak?!? kok mau di pancing ikannya? bisa aja pancing di la queen or market place HAHAHA
prince: BB sudah... jgn nak take over market kita org plak. keke
kita: lagi-lagi marah ibu dieba...kamu itu lupa apa? aku ini bukan sorang aja bibik di sini, engkau jugak bibik jirannya pak jahidin yea...masakan aja bubur kalo enggak ngerti dimasak nasiknya :P fariq: hahahah..kacip fatimah??bisa2,,,,kasi dua peket mkn nyer,,kasi kacip semua,,wahahhaha
kita: HAHAHAHA baeeeek ibu prince...aku ngerti!!! yea udah-yea udah kamu kepingin ku panggil ratu enggak? **sambil membetulkan rambut kepok2 balik clubg**
fir: encek sam...murning.......hik hik hik...x mau nk sentap2 u..**mode baek**....
kita: wooooo, incik fir...silakan duduk *sambil membongkokkan bdn & betulkan kebaya sendat* anak sape la ni?!? buat la mcm rumah sendiri kalo tak sedar diri *insap gak akhirnya*
ajib: ibu mithali!
fir: mulia sungguh hati mu wahai puspa wangi...emmmm..**smbel jeling sane sini** bersepah sikit umah u nie ek..nape?mlm td ade pesta zina kah?...**ya amppuuun samm..ai terlepas tnye**
kita: ajib & incik fir: "jika engkau tidak mampu memberi 'breast feeding' kpd mereka yg fakir, maka hendaklah kamu pikat ati mereka dgn 'air tangan' agar tidak terus berair!!! maka terhapuslah segala dosa kechil berganti besoooo" **hadith riwayat ibnu zina**
ajib: *larik! dah bukak kitab dah nih!
fir: ..manakala kata-kata motivasi ai utk u pula.."Jika terase diri ini ade PESAING nye,tekad usaha,cari jalan penyelesaiannya,kalau jalan membunga rampai **kes spedo** tak nmpak hasilnya...jangan putus asa, kaedah mak esah ada sinarnya...sekian **kes untuk bg baju yea**....**haii...MAS reservation counter, get me air ticket now to seoul... vrroooommmmmm**
kita: haaaaaaih taw takot...yea bapak sila la jamu breast feeding i nie HAHAHA kaya protien ni :D uish, manis sungguh mulot cik fir "macam lembu memakai skirt" ada aku kesah!!! HAHAHA kalo takot dilambung ombak jgn merembak di tepi panta*! chup....pantai **sambil menyapu maskara** ko adoooor?

after conversation panjang lebar ni aku jumpa beberapa pics lama semasa kemas bilik. but tuk korang cukuplah 3 keping dicelah-celah album dan diary catatan peribadi (nanti korang mak esahkan aku plak kaaaaaan, hikhikhik) time tu masih bergetah lagi, muda remaja…kisah 11 tahun lepas. mana plak nak cari scanner dalam rumah ni? lain la kalo scanner tu sepenting pembakar roti ke? vacuum cleaner ke? bleh gak aku buat roti bakar or lempeng time ting-tong. so, kamera handphone jerk sudeeeey!

ini aku kat Taman Negara. tak banyak pics aku amik masa tu. nasib gak mak & abah hadiahkan kamera Kodak (hadiah ke universiti). bagi aku Taman Negara tak ubah macam kisah babi main konda kondi (serius banyak bapak tu) …berperahu panjang dan hidup 4 ari penuh kepam tanpa perfume! kira kisah HALAL-lah non akhohol hehehehe. masa ni aku ter-paksa abiskan credit hour untuk subject kelas tajuddin kechik (taj) yang tak berapa nak kechik tu!?! …we call “alam sekitar” and wajib hadir gitu! taj ni lecturer kitaorg yang disayangi oleh pompuan gedik batch kitaorg cos sibuk nak melobi dapat A+. aku?!? ada aku kisah? mulanya taj ni memang ngam la dengan aku…but ntah apa antu yang merasuk dia tetiba once time tu bleh dia sound aku masa tengah present depan semua student “you ni sam…anti east cost eh? nape i tak pernah tengok you join them” aaaaarrrhh, derm* a-la-mak bebudak east coast jerk! bukannyer budak gold coast ke pe?!? sejak aritu kami dah jadik giant and nobita and sumtimes look like ultraman and raksasa. pwoooorhhh, ke laut citer ni.

aku kena admit la yang aku ni berperangai memang tak berapa nak kampung wa-lau-pun duduk kampung solok gara-gara abah kena ngajor kat sini. but aku epi pe...aku tak kacau orang..? abis tu nape orang nak kacau aku?!? kacau la dodol ke, wajik ke...rendang ke??? i have my own clicks pe…

sepanjang 4 ari tu aku sahut selumber pak mat tempeh walaupun merengek panjang macam kitab bible. tup-tup ada dua gigitan pacat, dan chuuuup! kat leher ni lain macam jerk gigitan dia..? pacat ke? HAHAHA bersifat alami ni...martha tilaar sesangat. part ni jek la yang aku love it! yang lain macam hampeh...makan gulai kawah ikan sadin dan duduk bertafakur dalam khemah. kejam tak si taj ni? kaaaan? kalo paris hilton ada time ni sure nangis beb : )

memandangkan story dah lama sangat tanpa teknologi canggih macam bebudak GBS angkut kehulu kehilir kamera mahal tu...so kira ok la ni kan? lupa plak nak bagitau, aku pass subject ni dengan got B+ tanpa perlu lobi and jual body. whatever, thanks en. taj sebab bagi pengelaman kepam ni once in blue moon walaupun time tu aku datang bulan!!! derm* ...demam urat seminggu.

zura: sam..masak sdap..nanti aku dtg lunch ek..hihihiiii
kita: cik zura, hang pa jual bundle online ke? ada brg bagus?!? meh la promote...diaorg ni asyik suruh aku pakai kimono jek! derm*


V(“,) w o r l d p e a c e !!!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

hujan bunga

"ramalan tak semestinya berlaku, tapi ia membawa secebis harapan. harapan itu cukup untuk menggerakkan kita untuk terus berlari dan mencari pelengkap hidup masing-masing"

[a n a r a f f a l i]



ramalan kaji cuaca kata
aku kan jatuh cinta
tapi tak pula beritahu dengan siapa.
lalu hari ini ku berlari
mencari-cari
si dia yang bakal
miliki hati ini

mungkin dia ada disitu,
tersenyum padaku,
namun malu-malu.

hujan bunga di kuala lumpur
kini sudah tiada masa
untuk mencari payung
berteduh kita bawah surat khabar
lalu terbaca berita kata
hujan ini tak akan reda

ikut rasa ingin sahaja
aku hampirinya
tapi ku takut apa pula kata semua
bukan senang untukku meluangkan masa ini
sekadar peluang mengisi
ruang kosong hati


nota: contemporary junior art exhibition 2010 @ plaza pelangi johor bahru. bawak kekawan reramai, lapangkan otak and enjoy de art! please support us, seeeeeempoi!!!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

breakin' news

kita tak boleh merancang kelahiran…tetapi boleh merancang kematian.

hujung minggu tenang terasa singkat dan seeeeeemmpoi. lebih tepat mengharung ringkas tempoh bermalas-malasan…dari terus hanya mendamba diri pada bantal buchuk serta mensetubuhi susuk katil pegun. my brainchilds yang dah tertunggak akhirnya dilunaskan dengan rasa p.u.a.s. tiada istilah maksum dalam diri, panas terik kami redah tak terlindung dek awan berarak gemalai merabak langit, perit!

perjalanan menaiki keretapi untuk pertama kali dalam hidup bergelar 32 tahun memberikan seribu satu kesan keterujaan. digandingkan dua teman telah cukup menjadikan photoshoot kali ni lebih bermakna. lazimnya hanya lensa kamera handphone cap ayam mencipta keajaiban dan hasilnya without antishack, B.I.N.G.O!?! wakakaka. enjoy this pics :)

"to love is to suffer. to avoid suffering one must not love. but then one suffers from not loving. therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. to suffer is to suffer. to be happy is to love. to be happy then is to suffer. but suffering makes one unhappy. therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. i hope you're getting this down."

[by w o o d y a l l e n]

Monday, March 8, 2010

jika engkau pergi

Bermulanya semua hanya dengan rasa
ada saja yang tak kena
Rupanya kau berkasih
Menyingkir setia
Sandiwara penuh dusta

Kini ku beri satu amaran
Jangan nanti jadi cabaran
Aku ingin kau memadam kenangan
Menjadi mimpi berterbangan

Jika engkau pergi, bulan dan bintang tetap masih di langit
Jika engkau pergi, air mengalir takkan berhenti
Jangan khuatir tentang diri ku
Ku janji takkan merindui mu

Bermusim resah hadir membelai
Menyentuh hati kecewa
Janji sehidup semati
Tinggal tiada lagi
Impian hancur depan mata

Semakin terungkap kepastian
Biarlah ku rela melepaskan
Pada mu cinta cuma lah mainan
Sekadar untuk senda bersama

Puas sudah ku berikan engkau segalanya
Jalan cerita pun nyata akan berubah

Jika engkau pergi, bulan dan bintang tetap masih di langit
Jika engkau pergi, air mengalir takkan berhenti
Jangan khuatir tentang diri ku
Ku janji takkan merindui mu