A few months ago I decided to write my memoirs, a project I knew was going to bring me closer to an amazing turning point in my life. From the moment I wrote the first phrase I was sure the book was the tool that was going to help me free myself from things I was carrying within me for a long time. Things that were too heavy for me to keep inside. Writing this account of my life, I got very close to my truth. And thisis something worth celebrating.For many years, there has been only one place where I am in touch with my emotions fearlessly and that’s the stage. Being on stage fills my soul in many ways, almost completely. It’s my vice. The music, the lights and the roar of the audience are elements that make me feel capable of anything. This rush of adrenaline is incredibly addictive. I don’t ever want to stop feeling these emotions. But it is serenity that brings me to where I’m at right now. An amazing emotional place of comprehension, reflection and enlightenment. At this moment I’m feeling the same freedom I usually feel only on stage, without a doubt, I need to share.
Many people told me: “Ricky it’s not important”, “it’s not worth it”, “all the years you’ve worked and everything you’ve built will collapse”, “many people in the world are not ready to accept your truth, your reality, your nature”. Because all this advice came from people who I love dearly, I decided to move on with my life not sharing with the world my entire truth. Allowing myself to be seduced by fear and insecurity became a self-fulfilling prophecy of sabotage. Today I take full responsibility for my decisions and my actions.
If someone asked me today, “Ricky, what are you afraid of?” I would answer “the blood that runs through the streets of countries at war…child slavery, terrorism…the cynicism of some people in positions of power, the misinterpretation of faith.” But fear of my truth? Not at all! On the contrary, It fills me with strength and courage. This is just what I need especially now that I am the father of two beautiful boys that are so full of light and who with their outlook teach me new things every day. To keep living as I did up until today would be to indirectly diminish the glow that my kids where born with. Enough is enough. This has to change. This was not supposed to happen 5 or 10 years ago, it is supposed to happen now. Today is my day, this is my time, and this is my moment.
These years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn’t even know existed.
What will happen from now on? It doesn’t matter. I can only focus on what’s happening to me in this moment. The word “happiness” takes on a new meaning for me as of today. It has been a very intense process. Every word that I write in this letter is born out of love, acceptance, detachment and real contentment. Writing this is a solid step towards my inner peace and vital part of my evolution.
I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man. I am very blessed to be who I am.
bermusim chenta yang lalu, yang aku rindu cuma kamu.
ni pics my lovely popoo...nakal sangat sekarang (catch my last entries on 2009, january). bulan lepas masa kita nak tinggalkan dia, dia merajuk and skodeng kita dari bawah keta. comey kan? nak kena 'babab' ni, rindu plak pada popoo tetiba!
ini aku kat Taman Negara. tak banyak pics aku amik masa tu. nasib gak mak & abah hadiahkan kamera Kodak (hadiah ke universiti). bagi aku Taman Negara tak ubah macam kisah babi main konda kondi (serius banyak bapak tu) …berperahu panjang dan hidup 4 ari penuh kepam tanpa perfume! kira kisah HALAL-lah non akhohol hehehehe. masa ni aku ter-paksa abiskan credit hour untuk subject kelas tajuddin kechik (taj) yang tak berapa nak kechik tu!?! …we call “alam sekitar” and wajib hadir gitu! taj ni lecturer kitaorg yang disayangi oleh pompuan gedik batch kitaorg cos sibuk nak melobi dapat A+. aku?!? ada aku kisah? mulanya taj ni memang ngam la dengan aku…but ntah apa antu yang merasuk dia tetiba once time tu bleh dia sound aku masa tengah present depan semua student “you ni sam…anti east cost eh? nape i tak pernah tengok you join them” aaaaarrrhh, derm* a-la-mak bebudak east coast jerk! bukannyer budak gold coast ke pe?!? sejak aritu kami dah jadik giant and nobita and sumtimes look like ultraman and raksasa. pwoooorhhh, ke laut citer ni.
sepanjang 4 ari tu aku sahut selumber pak mat tempeh walaupun merengek panjang macam kitab bible. tup-tup ada dua gigitan pacat, dan chuuuup! kat leher ni lain macam jerk gigitan dia..? pacat ke? HAHAHA bersifat alami ni...martha tilaar sesangat. part ni jek la yang aku love it! yang lain macam hampeh...makan gulai kawah ikan sadin dan duduk bertafakur dalam khemah. kejam tak si taj ni? kaaaan? kalo paris hilton ada time ni sure nangis beb : )
"to love is to suffer. to avoid suffering one must not love. but then one suffers from not loving. therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. to suffer is to suffer. to be happy is to love. to be happy then is to suffer. but suffering makes one unhappy. therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. i hope you're getting this down."
